In the last decade, young men in the US have been struggling. They are depressed, bitter, angry, and feeling lost. I will be exploring what is happening with these young men through my own personal lens as a gambling-focused therapist. To do so, I will also lean on one of the founding fathers of psychology, Erik Erikson, and his gift of the life stages of development.
Let’s start with Erikson’s life stage of adolescence. This is the time of life when teenagers search for their identity. The challenge in this life stage is to form a clear sense of who they are. What are their values and beliefs? What are their goals? Can they find their identity/place in the world? Adolescents explore different relationships and identities. They try these on, like clothing at a store, seeing what fits.
By the age of 18- or 19-years-old and If they move through this Erikson stage successfully, they will have a stable identity and remain true to their chosen values. In this stage of adolescents they are learning, in particular, how to build strong connections with other people. A poor resolution at the end of this life stage leaves older teens confused, isolated and with low self-esteem.
So what happens in their 20s if they struggle through adolescents? It’s not pretty. When young men fail to form an identity in their late teens, their problems continue on a bumpy path well into their 20s. If they stumble into Erikson’s next life stage (young adulthood) they will fail to learn how to build reliable friendships. In addition, they will also falter when it comes to learning how to develop and keep love relationships.
But lack of connection is not their only problem. Today’s young men aren’t finding success in the workplace either. The job market is difficult and they have stopped looking. Unlike past generations, they aren’t building careers as welders, electricians or mechanics. They’re impatient and don’t want to work their way up from a lower-level starting position. Some don’t have the strong computer skills for the available tech jobs. And many don’t see themselves going to college. Sadly, these young men lack any real career plan. It’s not uncommon that they still live with or have moved back in with their parents.
Young men today aren’t just unemployed; they are discouraged. When they fail in the career world, it follows, like a domino, that they fail in the relationship world as well. Success for a 28- or 29-year-old, according to Erikson, brings a budding career and confidence to risk and explore intimacy. Difficulty at this life stage brings more isolation and the inability to connect.
According to Scott Galloway, American academic and author at NYU, “A shocking 14% of men under the age of 30 report having zero friends, and 67% are not in an intimate relationship.”
Are young men today generally more immature than their peers from past generations? The answer is unfortunately yes. Today’s 30-year-olds are developmentally behind their peers from past generations. Think about it; today’s 30-year-old may have the emotional maturity of a 25-year-old or worse, a 20-year-old.
And society isn’t helping. Young men today have few strong role models. The greedy CEO’s and the corrupt sports franchise owners are both teaching them the wrong life lessons. They are learning manipulation, dishonesty and unscrupulous business practices.
This brings us to their solution; escaping.
Today, young men drift off into pornography, video games, drugs, alcohol, and sports gambling. Let’s take porn first. Young men use free sex videos to replace relationships. It allows them to avoid learning crucial social skills such as overcoming adversity, compromising, and resolving differences with another person. The only life risks these young men are taking are to compete in “Grand Theft Auto.” They certainly aren’t taking the risk to experience love and the life lessons of having their heart broken. Fall down six times, get up seven.
According to Galloway, 22% of young men today have either alcohol, drug, or gambling problems. My focus here is on gambling. “10% of all men under the age of 30 admit to having a gambling problem,” says Galloway. “Phones have become a casino with hundreds of games and if they play long enough they will fail. Casual gamblers are easy prey and almost always lose money compared to professional gamblers who have sophisticated computer systems to evaluate bets.”
Mega companies like FanDuel, DraftKings, and the prediction market company Kalshi are all vultures cashing in on these lost young men. They are selling them gambling like camel cigarettes sold my generation smoking in the 70s. According to George Kamel (no relation–haha), bestselling author and personal finance expert “Polymarket companies are a cancer on our society. 90% of Kalshi betting is on sports and thus targeting young white men.”
These men today are self-medicating their pain (sadness, fear and disappointment) with sports gambling. When they place that bet, they’re in a kind of trance. They’ve discovered a temporary vacation from all their problems. They briefly stop feeling blue or scared by escaping into a fantasy world. They have the dream of making thousands of dollars, feeling amazing, superior and hoping to solve all their life’s problems in one fell swoop.
But when they lose, they don’t think about grinding and committing to hard work to make up for their deficit. They think about another shortcut; the next quick fix. With each loss, their financial mountain grows. And a bigger bet feels necessary to solve greater debt. It’s a vicious cycle; they can’t win, but they keep trying. And these young men grow more and more hopeless, dishonest and shameful. Sports gambling is not just a mental obsession but a disease that leaves young men today spiritually bankrupt.
So if this article speaks to you and that YOUR young man may be heading towards, or already has, a gambling problem contact me. Gambling addiction can be addressed and treated effectively but it takes an openness to re-shape one’s life. As Erikson suggests, If young men go back and do the hard work, they can both complete these stages and get their lives back on track. They can actually find a career, find close friends and even, maybe, find love.
But their sports gambling problem won’t go away without therapy with an addiction specialist plus a spiritual program of recovery. I can help your gambler see that there is another way to succeed in life.
You or they can contact me anytime; both work fine.
Max Yusim
Gambling-focused therapist