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Alcoholism

Is your partner’s holiday drinking a sign of a bigger problem?

Many people overindulge during the holidays.  Drinking and partying with friends and family go hand in hand with the fiesta. Sure, there’s always a few people who go overboard.  After a few too many some become loud, mean and embarrassing drunks.  That’s fine, unless, it’s YOUR partner.

  

So when is heavy drinking actually a sign of alcoholism?

It can be confusing since many normal drinkers overdo it during the holidays.  This indulgence can occur for a variety of different reasons; family stress, personal sadness or even disappointments.  People tend to drink more when they are grieving the loss of loved ones, feeling stress about their relationship, or just disappointed in their careers.

The key question is; “Is this just “letting loose” or does your partner have a drinking problem?”  How can you tell?—after all there is no blood test for alcoholism. But let’s face it, “binge drinking” isn’t really binge drinking when it happens nightly or results in huge consequences such as; missing family commitments, accidents or even DUI’s.

Today I’ll show you how to assess the difference between heavy drinking and alcoholism.

The four correlates that determine alcoholism or addiction.

The best method to determine alcoholism is to break down and examine the strong correlations between alcohol and four key areas of life. Here’s how it works. Take a look at the list below:

• Relationships.

• Careers (or schooling).

• Money.

• Health (both physical and mental). 

If you take an honest look at these four categories and whether there is deterioration in one or more of these key life areas, then you will know if your partner is an alcoholic.

So here’s the trick–The only way we really know is by looking at the consequences that accompany drinking. To say it another way, being an alcoholic doesn’t have to do with the number of beers one drinks but instead with the gravity of the consequences that occur when one is drinking.

When clients from my private practice request an Alcoholism Assessment, I put them through this simple exercise. We examine these Four Key Areas and determine if there is a strong correlation between any of them and their negative behaviors or consequences.

 

1-Relationships: Is there a direct correlation between your partner’s drinking and deterioration in his/her relationships with you, family, children, friends, neighbors and co-workers?

2-Careers: Is there a correlation between your partner’s drinking and not living up to his/her potential at work (or school)? More specifically, have they been losing jobs, not getting promotions or are they constantly being fired? Are their school grades not close to what they should be?

3-Health: Are they often depressed or angry? Do they have panic attacks? Do they have lots of physical injuries (falling down/broken arms) or are they often sick? Lots of flu or colds?

4-Money: Do they spend WAY more on alcohol (or drugs) than they intend to or have in their budget?

 

And here is the scoring system: If there is a strong correlation between alcohol and one of these areas, they might have a problem. If they score a correlation in two areas they probably are an alcoholic.

 

If they have 3 or 4 correlations; they will probably (or will soon be) in crisis. There really is no such thing as a “functional alcoholic”. If they are functioning “poorly” then they CAN’T handle alcohol–period.

Well there you have it; a quick alcohol assessment.  If you think your partner is an alcoholic (or addict) I can help.  To set up a couple’s therapy meeting contact me and we’ll solve this problem together.

Have a happy and safe holiday.

-Max Yusim, LCSW

ronmaxyusim@gmail.com

415-377-4371

Addictioncouplestherapy.com

Categories
Couples Therapy Issues Uncategorized

Why forgiving your partner actually makes YOU feel better.

When it comes to romantic relationships, I think of the forgiver as the adult in the room. Now this may seem unfair, but the act of forgiving a partner takes both courage and vulnerability. Regardless of whether the hurt was a lie or a selfish act, the relationship has been splintered and something, desperately, needs to happen.

 

To me, the best relationship metaphor for this grievance is a derailed train. The hurt has caused the train to jump the tracks and nothing can move forward. Somebody needs to do something fast. The simple solution is an accepted sincere apology. Once this occurs the wound can start to heal and trust can begin the process of being restored.

 

But we all know that’s easier said than done.

 

So why is the process of forgiving so difficult?

 

WILL MY PARTNER LEARN THEIR LESSON AND CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR?

 

Forgiveness is a struggle because we don’t want to feel foolish. Nobody wants to be the Charlie Brown, the guy who believes that this time Lucy won’t humiliate him and pull the football away. It’s hard because we don’t necessarily see evidence that our partner cares enough to learn the lesson and not repeat the behavior. It can be difficult to be the adult because sometimes it just doesn’t feel safe to be the vulnerable one.

 

Nevertheless in order to get that train back on the track somebody needs to take a risk. So let’s assume of the sake of this discussion that the partner’s apology was a sincere one (e.g. a deeply felt apology with tears or a heartfelt card with flowers) and also the hurt partner (you) wants to move on. The reality is that trust can’t be restored instantaneously. It takes time because usually the emotions of the hurt party are still quite raw.

 

So is it necessary to forgive? Am I really responsible for making my partner feel better? After all, THEY are the one who screwed up.

 

What about me? Will forgiving make ME feel better?

 

The surprising answer is Yes. The perpetrator solely caused the hurt and triggered the splintering within the couple. However, the disconnect is actually a team effort. Here’s a description of what is going on, during a grievance, for both parties both emotionally and behaviorally:

 

THE ANATOMY OF A GRIEVANCE

 

Typically, the hurt person feels strong emotions such as anger, hurt, sadness, and betrayal, maybe even humiliation. They tend to either put up a wall or start an argument. Most likely they feel either unsafe, unloved, or both. They wonder if their partner is taking the situation seriously enough so as to not repeat it.

 

The perpetrator, however, often feels differently. They are washed over by such feelings as fear, frustration, and shame. They tend to act sheepishly, guiltily, or defensively. They are also more distant and disconnected as they too don’t know what to say or how to proceed. If they react with defensiveness, they usually make the situation worse. Think of one of our recent presidents and his tendency to “double down” on misguided statements.

 

Both partners sit with uncomfortable feelings inside their chests, wishing this bad period would be over and that they could be close again. They each have unwanted emotional baggage and tension.

 

FORGIVENESS INTRODUCES AN “EMOTIONAL RELEASE VALVE”

 

What is required is some form of emotional release valve. This will allow the warm and loving feelings to return.

 

Forgiveness provides BOTH parties with relief and the experience of a release valve. When we are in the middle of a grievance, our bodies and unconscious minds are filled with tension. We hold on to this pain even while we sincerely want to put it aside or let it go. Like a muscle cramp, we are “locked up” when we desperately want to feel relief. The tension is palpable for BOTH parties.

 

BY MENDING OUR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH FORGIVENESS, WE ARE HEALING OURSELVES

 

Forgiveness is the natural course of action of the mind and heart. The forgiver is actually helped by forgiveness as much, maybe more, than the perpetrator.

 

The act of forgiving our partner unburdens us from unhelpful feelings such as resentment and bitterness. By mending our relationship, we are healing ourselves. We are not denying the pain and hurt that our partner has caused. Instead, we are being adults. Adults can rise above their worst instincts and be their better selves.

 

When we are adults, we recognize we have enough resilience to absorb and accept our partner’s mistakes and to forgive and move on. All humans make mistakes. By forgiving our partner, we recognize the next time WE might be the one who needs forgiveness.

 

Maybe we are better off forgiving our partners even when they don’t deserve it! By forgiving, you are being self-reliant and returning your life to a more peaceful and serene place. So if you have a partner who has made a sincere attempt at apology and reconciliation, don’t wait three days to forgive them. Punishing them won’t improve your relationship. Try something new—forgive them now. There is no time like the present to feel relief and start getting your relationship train back on the tracks.

 

If you have further questions or would like to talk with me about couple’s therapy, contact me on my website:         addictioncouplestherapy.com

 

Good-bye for now.

 

Max Yusim, LCSW

Couples therapist and addiction expert

 

Categories
Affairs Couples Therapy Issues

Can a marriage recover from an affair?

 

Can a Marriage

Recover From an Affair?

 

The answer is–Yes.

 

But it won’t be easy.

 

The process of recovering from an Affair is grueling and, for many, just too great a mountain to climb. Healing a marriage after an affair takes a total commitment to three principles: honesty, vulnerability and patiently rebuilding trust. With my clients, I often use an analogy of a house that has been burnt to the ground. So many valuable things, especially trust and loyalty, have been lost. Besides separation, the only option you two seemed to have is to rebuild that house from scratch. To literally bulldoze the lot and to rebuild a brand new home starting with the very first bricks.

 

It’s hard to picture things ever being the same. That’s probably the most important point; it won’t.

 

For all intents and purposes, your old marriage (or relationship) is over–done. In this article, I’m gonna specifically focus on the beginning stage of healing a marriage directly after infidelity. Regardless of whether the affair was an emotional or physical one, the pain and damage done by the affair itself must be dealt with first.

 

 

Here are some sobering facts about marriage. A recent reliable study showed that 20% of married woman have been unfaithful in their partner in the course of their marriage. Nearly double, 37% of married men have also strayed. If your parents had infidelity in their marriage, you are at high, high risk of picking a partner who will be unfaithful in the future or become one yourself. It’s genetic. It’s complicated.

 

So the real question is: What do you want to do now? Divorce and find someone new? Or dig in and re-commit to your partner?

 

Here’s the good news: many couples have successfully healed from infidelity and come out the other side happier and healthier. They no longer wake up with that pit in their stomach, the constant anger or the shock of how, suddenly, their lives have totally changed. So in case you’re considering being one of the courageous and brave, here are some insights into how couples take the first step towards repairing their marriages.

 

Four crucial steps to begin healing a marriage after an Affair

 

Here are the steps to successfully repairing a marriage after infidelity:

1. The unfaithful partner must answer ALL questions about the affair in great detail: For starters, a couple must be rigorously honest when talking about the affair. The unfaithful party needs to patiently and with great details answer every question their partner wants answered; even if they need to hear it more than once. No small detail is unimportant when it comes to someone who has been betrayed and lied to. The couple must, first, talk about, exactly what, when, where and for how long the affair went on.

I always remind the hurt partner to think long and hard about what they ask. Once a question is answered, you can’t go back in time and erase it. There may be some details that are so wounding and might be unnecessary to uncover; e.g. Was she a better lover? Are you more attracted to him? The hurt partner must be satisfied that they have the entire truth otherwise they can’t move on and take the risk of trusting once again.

That being said, it crucial to shift and move the communication forward to even more important questions. These questions focus on the meaning of the affair; What were you able to experience or express with her that you could no longer do with us?  Beside the sex, what was it about the affair that you valued?  Honest answers from these kinds of question can turn crisis into an opportunity. You may discover more honesty and depth in your relationship than ever before.

 

The unfaithful partner has to say “goodbye” to their lover

2. The affair relationship must end–100%: The lovers can’t remain friends. There needs to be a public closure and a final goodbye from the unfaithful one to his lover. A supervised phone call with a clear script or an approved email can work.

 

Depending on the situation both small, medium and large changes may also need to take place. Small changes might mean going to a different gym. A medium change could actually be asking for a transfer at work if the lover is there. A large change could be something like moving out of state or to another town. The unfaithful party should consider doing whatever is necessary to protect their partner and to clean house.

 

Many unfaithful partners have come to couples counseling hoping to keep the friendship (with their lover) and their options open. This won’t work. The key question for any couples’ therapist to ask the unfaithful partner is “Which relationship are you in?”

 

They can’t be in both. If the unfaithful one refuses to “end it”, then the answer and the future of the relationship seems clear. Frankly, no couples’ counseling and no relationship can move forward on those terms.

 

The unfaithful partner must listen to the hurt party’s painful feelings

3.  The unfaithful party must listen and validate all the painful feelings they’ve caused. To forgive and rebuild trust after an affair is not a quick process. A sincere apology is not gonna cut it. Forgiveness and healing require time. Think less “I’m so sorry” and more “How can I prove to you that I will never cheat on you again?”

 

Before the hurt partner can start to heal, they first need to vent. Anger, betrayal, humiliation, and sadness are inevitable feelings that must be expressed. The hurt one needs to know that their partner truly comprehends the depth of damage done. Understanding and sympathizing with this deep level of emotional pain is crucial. Patient listening is an irreplaceable pre-cursor to any couple that hopes to recover and start healing.

 

The unfaithful partner must lead a “healing vigil”

4.  The unfaithful partner protects the hurt party by using a “healing vigil.” After an affair, the hurt partner often has something similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Suspicions of more cheating or feeling unloved are common. The responsibility of beginning to rebuild trust must lie solely on the shoulders of the unfaithful party. For this, I recommend a “healing vigil.”

So what is that?

 

A healing vigil is a practical and symbolic process of courting and protecting one’s partner. This can last for months. Here’s how it works: The unfaithful party does not wait for their partner to feel doubts, suspicions or anxiety but instead ANTICIPATE these normal reactions and does everything to stay on top of reassuring the hurt partner. It becomes a second job.

 

The unfaithful one takes on the role of the personal protector and shields their partner against doubt and vulnerability. Trust is rebuilt, brick by brick. It requires consistency, effort, and the right thing being done, over and over again.

 

Sharing one’s phone, giving up their computer passwords, calling to check regularly when you are out of the house and repeatedly asking the hurt partner “if they’re feeling worried or insecure”? Asking “What else can I do, today, to reassure you that there is nobody else in my life?” Think of this “healing vigil” as a process of penitence.

 

So there you have it, how to take this incredibly difficult first step towards healing a marriage after an affair. Of course, the next step is in learning how to improve your communication with each other. Most couples therapist would say that both partners need to examine their roles in the disconnect that has occurred. That being said, only the unfaithful partner cheated. If a marriage is to recover the unfaithful party must take the first step and lead the couple towards healing and rebuilding trust.

 

If you have any further questions or would like to talk with me about couples therapy than contact me on my website: addictioncouplestherapy.com.

 

Good-bye for now.

 

Max Yusim, LCSW

Couples therapist and addiction expert

 

 

Categories
Addiction Alcoholism

Is your partner an alcoholic or addict?

 

Many people want to know whether their partner are alcoholics. It’s a crucial question for those of us whose lives or relationships are way off track. Yet it’s frustrating to get a satisfying answer-After all there is no blood test. So how can you tell?

 

Today’s your lucky day because I’m going to help. Ok, here we go. Take a deep breath.

 

The four correlates that determine alcoholism or addiction.

 

The best method to determine alcoholism is to break down and examine the strong correlations between alcohol and four key areas of life. Here’s how it works. Take a look at the list below:

 

  • Relationships.
  • Careers (or schooling).
  • Money.
  • Health (both physical and mental).

 

If you take an honest look at these four categories and whether there is deterioration in one or more of these key life areas, then you will know if your partner is an alcoholic.

 

So here’s the trick–The only way we really know is by looking at the consequences that accompany drinking. To say it another way, being an alcoholic doesn’t have to do with the number of beers one drinks but instead with the gravity of the consequences that occur when one is drinking.

 

When clients request an Alcoholism Assessment, I put them through this simple exercise. We examine these Four Key Areas and determine if there is a strong correlation between any of them and their negative behaviors or consequences.

 

1-Relationships: Is there a direct correlation between your partner’s drinking and deterioration in their relationships with you, family, children, friends, neighbors and co-workers?

2-Careers: Is there a correlation between your partner’s drinking and not living up to their potential at work (or school)? More specifically, have they been losing jobs, not getting promotions or are they constantly being fired? Are their school grades not close to what they should be?

 

3-Health: Are they often depressed or angry? Do they have panic attacks? Do they have lots of physical injuries (falling down/broken arm) or are they often sick? Lots of flu or colds?

4-Money: Do they spend WAY more on alcohol (or drugs) than they intend to or have in their budget?

 

And here is the scoring system: If they have a strong correlation between alcohol and one of these areas they might have a problem. If they score a correlation in two areas they probably are an alcoholic.

 

If they have 3 or 4 correlations; they’re probably (or will soon be) in crisis. There really is no such thing as a “functional alcoholic”. If they’re functioning “poorly” then they CAN’T handle alcohol–period. I know it’s a bummer but they’re not alone. Actually, 17% of the adult population are either alcoholics or addicts.

 

Common behaviors and/or personality characteristics of alcoholics (and addicts).

 

  • Lying, lying, lying.
  • Impaired control.
  • Pre-occupation with alcohol and/or drugs.
  • Drinking despite adverse consequences.
  • Distorted thinking (most notably denial).
  • Always running late, cutting corners, trying to pay in cash.
  • Blaming others and not taking responsibility for their actions.
  • Manipulating situations and people to get what you want.
  • Excessive consequences (DUIs, injuries, lost jobs & failing relationships).
  • Binge drinking and blackouts.
  • Ethical deterioration.
  • Grandiosity, aggressiveness and violent behaviors.
  • Drinking or using alone.
  • Losing friends or changing friendship groups to “lesser companions”.
  • No longer showing up for important couple’s/family activities such as weddings, graduations, kid’s sports games, recitals and even funerals.
  • Protecting your supply of alcohol (or drugs).
  • Having hangovers and withdrawal symptoms.
  • Neglecting other people’s needs.
  • Neglecting your own needs such as eating and grooming.

 

So there you have it. The answer to the big question…”Is my partner an alcoholic or addict?”

 

I hope this helped. If you think they might have a problem and need to figure out the next steps…I can help. Visit my website and don’t hesitate to contact me at: addictioncouplestherapy.com

 

Goodbye for now.

 

–Max Yusim, LCSW

Recovering Alcoholic/Addict

Addiction and Couple’s Therapy Expert

Categories
Addiction Alcoholism Couples Therapy Issues Uncategorized

Why your alcoholic partner’s mind make no sense.

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

-Mark Twain


Alcoholism is a disease and we alcoholics use the expression “dis-ease” to describe our malady. What this means is that we live inside our head with a profound sense of discomfort and mental anguish. At times, we have a sinking feeling that something is either wrong, off or missing in our lives. We are full of self-doubt and tend to have a profoundly different mental process from normal drinkers.  It’s comparable to being at a party where you are panicked that no one will talk to you.

There is no difference between alcoholism and addiction

To clarify, for me, there’s no difference between alcoholism and addiction. They are, unfortunately, exactly the same “torturous” experience. For example, the stress and anxiety that triggers a sex addict to sexually act out is the identical process that leads the alcoholic to binge drink. Constant internal rumination leads ALL compulsive behaviors towards self-medication.

Sadly, it just depends on which flavor of addiction you’ve acquired. There is no difference. It’s the same for drug abuse, the same for video games and yes; exactly the same obsessive thinking (or avoidance) that leads to over-eating. In this article, I will discuss all of them inter-changeably. When I say the word “alcoholic” you should understand I mean, “addict” and vice versa.

This thinking might offer you some clearer insight into another term–“self medicating.”  We alcoholics attempt to block, drown, or simply remove these intolerable mental thoughts. For an addict, self-medicating is not a choice; it’s a reflex.

How an alcoholic’s brain works

Many alcoholics have an over-active brain.  We constantly re-think the past (cringing at our actions) and obsess about the future (certain that catastrophe waits around every corner).  We can’t shut off these ruminations.  It’s a draining process in which our mind constantly runs through new scenarios on how to avoid personal failures, disappointments or people getting angry with us. It’s exhausting! This is why many alcoholics are huge procrastinators.  We talk ourselves out of taking actions because many decisions lead to (imaginary) disasters. 

Here’s one more analogy that might help. We call this obsessive process–“future tripping” or my personal favorite–“the hamster wheel brain”. While normal people sleep, the “hamster brain” goes ‘round and ‘round the damn “wheel” throughout the night.  For alcoholics-we can’t shut it off. We keep playing through future scenarios comparable to a stupid video game that’s impossible to win.  Around each corner is a monster. In reality, it could drive a person (or a hamster) insane.

How fear dominates an alcoholic’s mental process

Fear plays a huge role in the brains of alcoholics because we tend to focus or obsess about what can and will go wrong.  Of course, this is crazy thinking because no one, no matter how smart, can actually predict the future. Even if outcomes are “bad news” they never are exactly what we predicted. I love the acronym False Evidence Appearing Real (F,E,A,R).  It certainly captures this distorted mental process which is much more common in alcoholics than normal drinkers.

There you have it; the distorted thought process of an alcoholic. It’s not pretty—but it does explain why we feel so different.  If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to visit my website or contact me at:  addictioncouplestherapy.com

Goodbye for now.

Max Yusim, LCSW

Recovering alcoholic/addict

Addiction and Couples Therapy expert

Call now